So you’ve read about our international travel glamour. Well, here’s our local tale, plus a story that’s currently making the rounds. A couple of weeks ago, we had a bright idea. We needed to stop at a couple of places in Singapore and thought we had figured out the best way to do it. First, grocery shopping. Then, on the way down to the next destination, we’d stop at our local station and J would trudge home with the shopping, put everything away, then come back, while I waited at the station platform with the kids.

We considered it a win-win. The kids wouldn’t get so hot and tired (and did I mention grumpy?) walking in the midday tropical sun, J moves quicker by himself, and I sit down in some shade, people-watch, and work out some plot points in my head.

When J finally got back, we headed to our next stop and things were going swimmingly, until we tried to exit the station. OVERSTAY, the exit station said. Wha-?! No! So we walked to the Customer Service desk and it was explained to us.

The Singapore government, in their wisdom, has designated a maximum of 20 minutes travel time between 3 stops. This extends to 30 minutes between 4 stops, and so on. And we had busted that maximum. The penalty is SG$2 for each passenger. Little Dinosaur is on a child’s pass, and usually pays half price, but she got the $2 penalty as well. So a bright idea of ours ended up costing us $6. We would have been better off sitting at the local McDonald’s sipping iced lemon tea.

I suppose it’s to stop loitering. Ask any tourist and they’ll tell you that all Singapore train stations are frighteningly barren after a train leaves. But it’s also an indication of the general way the government treats its people. There’s a stick-and-stick approach that Singapore takes, to a limit that no other Western-style government seems to. (Although, with the legislative door open thanks to the War on Terror, that’s changing.)

It’s part of the political/administrative culture here, a pervasive patronising paternalism that sees foreigners banned from something as silly and entertaining as the Complaints Choir–a bunch of people living in Singapore who sing about what’s wrong with the city-state–because it touches on “domestic affairs”. The video at Asian Offbeat is a bit difficult to understand, so here are the lyrics:

We get fined for almost everything / Drivers won’t ‘give chance’ when you want to ‘change lane’ / The indoors are cold, the outdoors are hot; / And the humid air, it wrecks my hair / Those answering machines always make you hold / Only to hang up on you

When a pregnant lady gets on the train / Everyone pretends to be asleep / I’m stuck with my parents till I’m 35 / Cause I can’t apply for HDB /
We don’t recycle any plastic bags / But we purify our pee

*chorus:
What’s wrong with Singapore? / Losing always makes me feel so sore / Cause if you’re not the best / Then you’re just one of the rest

My oh my Singapore / What exactly are we voting for? / What’s not expressly permitted / is prohibited

When I’m hungry at the food court, I see / People ‘chope’ seats with their tissue paper / To the aunty staying upstairs: / Your laundry’s dripping on my bed sheets / Please don’t squat on the toilet seats / And don’t clip your nails on MRT

Stray cats get into noisy affairs / At night my neighbor makes weird animal sounds / People put on fake accents to sound posh / And queue up 3 hours for donuts / Will I ever live till eighty five / to collect my CPF?

*chorus

Singaporeans too kiasu! (so scared to lose) / Singaporeans too kiasi! (so scared to die) / Singaporeans too kiabor!(scared of their wives) / Maybe we’re just too stressed out! (even the kids)

Old National Library was replaced by an ugly tunnel / Singaporean men can’t take independent women / People blow their nose into the swimming pool / And fall asleep on my shoulder in the train

Singapore’s national bird is the crane (the one with yellow steel girders) / Real estate agents’ leaflets clogging up my mailbox (en bloc, en bloc; en bloc, en bloc) / Why can’t we be buried when we die? / No one wants to climb Bukit Timah with me

*chorus

There are not enough public holidays / My neighbor sings KTV all night / Wedding dinners never start on time / My hair is always cut shorter than I want / Channel 5 commercials are way too long / Why do men turn bad?

*At first it was to speak more mandarin / Then it was to speak proper English / What’s wrong with my powerful Singlish?

People sit down during rock concerts / We have to pay for tap water at restaurants / ERP gantries are everywhere / But I can still see traffic jams on the road / All the bus stops have tilted benches to keep you off balance

*chorus

As you can see, once the writers of the lyrics got going, they really built up a head of steam. But at the foundation is a government attitude best typified by Singapore’s Minister Mentor and founder of the state of Singapore, Lee Kuan Yew (incidentally, his son is Prime Minister; make of that what you will), saying this about Singapore’s lack of press freedom (they ranked below Zimbabwe in the 2006 Reporters Without Borders annual rankings):

There’s nothing that you’d want to read which you cannot read in Singapore…

I think someone should put that on a t-shirt.