I read in The Register last month that a week-long clerical seminar with the goal of increasing confessional throughput was held at the Vatican in Rome. The result is that many sins that were previously defined as “venial” (a temporary loss of grace that “does not result in a complete separation from God and eternal damnation in Hell” — source, Wikipedia) have now been promoted to “mortal” (your ass is toast ad infinitum — source, Kaz Augustin).

Among the new mortal sins are drug trafficking, pollution, social injustice and genetic manipulation. Now, this is a fairly nebulous list, and I sincerely hope that the Vatican is applying its usual exactitude to this problem so we may all breathe easier. After all, these were the guys who really figured out how many angels can dance on the head of a pin (infinite, but they’ll all need a good foot massage afterwards).

Using generally known principles, if you litter because you’re a forgetful slobasaurus, then that’s a venial sin. Three Hail Marys and we’re sweet. However, if you look around for a bin, can’t find one, don’t want to put your candy wrapper in your pocket/handbag because it’s sticky, and end up flicking it onto the ground when you think nobody’s looking, then that’s mortal, baby … and don’t let the door hit your backside as you descend into the eternal fires of the damned.

Likewise, genetic manipulation. Doesn’t matter if you’re trying to take over the world and turn all humans into mindless automata who’ll obey your every whim, or find a cure to some rare congenital disease. God hates you.

The problem with increasing the moral weight of particular sins is that the minute you upgrade your list, the number of ambiguous situations start multiplying like rabbits in a warm, secure warren. If pollution is a mortal sin, is using a 5-star energy-saver washing machine only a venial sin? What about smoking a cigarette? Are we talking lung cancer and Hades here? Seems a bit harsh, even for a non-smoker like me. What about priests who drink beer (and God knows (no pun intended) there are a few of them around)? Will they go straight to hell because alcohol is a drug, never mind if it’s more socially acceptable than, say, marijuana? Or do they get a special Get Out of Hell card because they’re on the ecclesiastical payroll?

I love lists like this. They are bit like the blog on inflation I penned some months ago. (That is, inflation is only 3% if you don’t own or drive a car, buy insurance, seek medical care, have kids still in education, pay rent, pay rates, own a property or rent a property, use electricity, town water, etc.) If drugs, pollution, social injustice and genetic manipulation are now mortal sins, then you’re okay, as long as you don’t drink tea, coffee, herbal tea or alcohol; don’t breed animals or plants, not even for that local Terrific Tomato Festival; don’t own a single electricity-inefficient appliance; don’t drive anything bigger than a scooter; don’t buy from supermarkets or businesses whose owners are rich; don’t smoke cigarettes; don’t go for relaxing drives in the countryside; and, to be honest, don’t breathe because, really, you’re nothing more than a carbon dioxide emitter when all’s said and done.

Of course there’s an easy out to all this and it’s actually provided by the Vatican itself. One of the differences between a venial and mortal sin is the amount of deliberate intent there is in your soul. So, if you deliberately cultivate ignorance of everything in life (and, say, forget you ever read this blog), you’re well on the way of needing only a couple of rosaries to get off scot-free. Meanwhile, for the rest of us, it’s just as well that our souls are incorporeal or it’ll start to get crowded Down There real quick.

DISCLAIMER: This blog is no substitute for authentic theological advice. In situations of ambiguity, please consult your local cleric. Alternatively, you could also try thinking.