J and I went to see The Dark Knight last night and got a big dose of Kids Behaving Badly. Despite that, I rather enjoyed the movie. J said he didn’t “enjoy” it, but it was well-made. I think we all know the plot by now, so let’s get down to the nitty-gritty.

THE GOOD: It was like watching a graphic novel up on the screen. No talking down to the audience, no melodramatic little vignettes designed to appeal to a particular movie-going demographic (well, except at the end). I found the movie surprisingly intellectual and a worthy — if not better — successor to Batman Begins. Heath Ledger was very good as the Joker, as streets ahead of Nicholson’s Joker as that movie was ahead of the old Adam West series. I’m sorry I won’t be seeing him again in future Batman movies. I also appreciated William Fichtner as the Bank Manager; I thought he rocked.

THE BAD: Did the director only just discover the circle-around-all-actors-and-make-the-moviegoer-dizzy camera technique? ‘Cos they overused that one, in my opinion. And then a scene where the Batman, yet again, launched himself off the top of the skyscraper and I thought to myself, “Kerr-ist, couldn’t he have just used the freakin’ elevator?”

Alfred. At one point, I kept thinking to myself, is this movie about the Batman, or is it “Batman & Alfred”? There is a fine line between being a support to the hero and driving his agenda and I really think Alfred crossed that line in this movie.

Harvey Dent. He was a “meh” character for me, until he turned into Two-Face. Until then, the “chiselled, American hero” character (as Wikipedia described him), with his trite reasoning for the Batman’s existence in the fight for good-versus-evil (maybe because of his reasoning?), did absolutely nothing for me. It could be that I was subconsciously influenced by an article I read that The Dark Knight was a metaphor for explaining/celebrating Bush and his War on Terror. While I disagree with that assessment (it’s about a terror world, but not about glorifying Bush, imo) after seeing the movie (as with all good fiction, the movie itself is much more subtle than our news outlets would make the world out to be), I can’t be sure it didn’t taint my reading of Dent.

Christian Bale. There’s something about the way he talks that I find interferes with my empathy for Bruce Wayne. (The same way I get fixated on Tom Cruise’s nose, Goldie Hawn’s hands and Andie McDowell’s upper lip. What can I say, I’m shallow like that.) I remain impressed by Michael Keaton’s portrayal above all others, even though I was — I’ll admit it — initially aghast at the casting choice.

The ending. There was really no need to use Batman as the fall guy instead of Harvey. It was a cop-out, both of Harvey and of the Batman. Why not say that the Joker drove Harvey mad and he was temporarily insane when he killed those people? Why not blame one of Joker’s minions, if you must lie? And the Batman will give up his entire reputation — past, present, and future — to safeguard someone else’s dead reputation? Considering the people of Gotham (both average and criminal) had already demonstrated what spine they had on the ferries, I found the reasoning patronising. And those dogs chasing after the Batman in the end, with the voiceover … what a dreadful and unnecessary end to an otherwise good and solid movie.

THE UGLY: The kids in the movie theatre with us. Believe it or not, The Dark Knight was classified “U” for Universal audiences, and we had several noisy 6 year old’s surrounding us, one even taking phone calls on his mobile until (so J tells me) I shouted at him to be quiet. (I’m sure I only used a moderate tone designed to momentarily carry over the sound coming from the movie screen. Ahem.)

So, bearing this in mind, it could be that a niggle was explained, but I missed it. Which was, why did Alfred burn the letter from Rachel? Surely it would’ve provided Bruce Wayne with some closure? And don’t you love the way computers work in Movielandia? “Just type in your name”. Not “Type in your name, in the order of first name, followed by family name, in mixed-case, space delimited”. Gods, I wish we all worked with software like that.

FAVOURITE ACTOR: Always, whatever I see him in (if I can recognise him behind the character), Gary Oldman.

THE SCORE: 9 out of 10. I’m definitely getting this one on DVD as well!

Firstly, Malaysian roads are, by and large, quite good. While the local, heavily-trodden roads tend to accumulate potholes — and clumsy uneven patches — at an alarming rate, the multi-lane motorways are a dream to drive. I wish I could say the same of Malaysian drivers. Malaysian drivers have a sense of entitlement about their driving style, whether they’re driving a Mercedes or one of those dinky Peroduas that seem to get in your way at the most inconvenient moments. (Hence our nickname of “Pfd”s for these cars.) And don’t get me started on the scooters.

On the other hand, everything is in a logical hierarchical order. The bigger your vehicle, the more you get your own way. Trucks and buses are at the top of the list, scooters at the bottom. And, there’s really no malice in anything, just sheer and absolute incompetence.

Bearing this in mind, a stumble onto David Astley’s website provided much mirth. I hope he doesn’t mind, but I’ve reproduced his “Malaysian Road Rules” below and — believe me — It’s. All. True.

Since arriving in Malaysia in 1997, I have tried on many occasions to buy a copy of the Malaysian road rules, but have come to the conclusion that no such publication exists (or if it does, it has been out of print for years). Therefore after carefully observing the driving habits of Malaysian drivers, I believe I have at last worked out the rules of the road in Malaysia. For the benefit of other expatriates living in Malaysia, and the 50% of local drivers who acquired their driving licences without taking a driving test, I am pleased to share my knowledge below:

Q: What is the most important rule of the road in Malaysia?

A: The most important rule is that you must arrive at your destination ahead of the car in front of you. This is the sacrosanct rule of driving in Malaysia. All other rules are subservient to this rule.

Q: What side of the road should you drive on in Malaysia?

A: 99.7% of cars drive on the left hand side, 0.2% on the right hand side, and 0.1% drive in reverse (be on the look out for drivers reversing at high speed in the left hand lane of freeways, having just missed their exit). Therefore on the basis of ‘majority rules’, it is recommended that you drive on the left. However, be aware that only 90% of motorcyclists travel on the left hand side - the other 10% ride in the opposite direction or on the sidewalk. Fortunately, motorcyclists traveling in reverse are rarely seen.

Q: What are the white lines on the roads?

A: These are known as lane markers and were used by the British in the colonial days to help them drive straight after consuming their gin and tonics. Today their purpose is mainly decorative, although a double white line is used to indicate a place that is popular to overtake.

Q: When can I use the emergency lane?

A: You can use the emergency lane for any emergency, e.g. you are late for work, you left the toaster plugged in at home, you are bursting to go to the toilet, you have a toothache or you have just dropped a hot coffee in your lap. As it is an emergency, you may drive at twice the speed of the other cars on the road.

Q: Do traffic lights have the same meaning as in other countries?

A: Not quite. Green is the same – that means “Go”, but amber and red are different. Amber means “Go like hell” and red means “Stop if there is traffic coming in the other direction or if there is a policeman on the corner”. Otherwise red means the same as green. Note that for buses, red lights do not take effect until five seconds after the light has changed.

Q: What does the sign “Jalan Sehala” mean?

A: This means “One Way Street” and indicates a street where the traffic is required to travel in one direction. The arrow on the sign indicates the preferred direction of the traffic flow, but is not compulsory. If the traffic is not flowing in the direction in which you wish to travel, then reversing in that direction is the best option.

Q: What does the sign “Berhenti” mean?

A: This means “Stop”, and is used to indicate a junction where there is a possibility that you may have to stop if you cannot fool the cars on the road that you are entering into thinking that you are not going to stop.

Q: What does the sign “Beri Laluan” mean?

A: This means “Give Way”, and is used to indicate a junction where the cars on the road that you are entering will give way to you provided you avoid all eye contact with them and you can fool them into thinking that you have not seen them.

Q: What does the sign “Dilarang Masuk” mean?

A: This means “No Entry”. However, when used on exit ramps in multi-storey car parks, it has an alternative meaning which is: “Short cut to the next level up”.

Q: What does the sign “Pandu Cermat” mean?

A: This means “Drive Smartly”, and is placed along highways to remind drivers that they should never leave more than one car length between them and the car in front, irrespective of what speed they are driving. This is to ensure that other cars cannot cut in front of you and thus prevent you from achieving the primary objective of driving in Malaysia, and that is to arrive ahead of the car in front of you. If you can see the rear number plate of the car in front of you, then you are not driving close enough.

Q: What is the speed limit in Malaysia?

A: The concept of a speed limit is unknown in Malaysia.

Q: So what are the round signs on the highways with the numbers, 60, 80 and 110?

A: This is the amount of the ‘on-the-spot’ fine (in ringgits - the local currency) that you have to pay to the police if you are stopped on that stretch of the highway. Note that for expatriates or locals driving Mercedes or BMWs, the on-the-spot fine is double the amount shown on the sign.

Q: Where do you pay the ‘on-the-spot’ fine?

A: As the name suggests, you pay it ‘on-the-spot’ to the policeman who has stopped you. You will be asked to place your driving licence on the policeman’s notebook that he will hand to you through the window of your car. You will note that there is a spot on the cover of the notebook. Neatly fold the amount of your fine into four, place the fine on the spot, and then cover it with your driving licence so that it cannot be seen. Pass it carefully to the policeman. Then, with a David Copperfield movement of his hands, he will make your money disappear. It is not necessary to applaud.

Q: But isn’t this a bribe?

A: Oh pleeease, go and wash your mouth out. What do you want? A traffic ticket? Yes, you can request one of those instead, but it will cost you twice the price, forms to fill out, cheques to write, envelopes to mail, and then three months later when you are advised that your fine was never received, more forms to fill out, a trip to the police station, a trip to the bank, a trip back to the police station, and maybe then you will wish you had paid ‘on-the-spot’.

Q: But what if I haven’t broken any road rules?

A: It is not common practice in Malaysia to stop motorists for breaking road rules (because nobody is really sure what they are). The most common reasons for being stopped are: (a) the policeman is hungry and would like you to buy him lunch; (b) the policeman has run out of petrol and needs some money to get back to the station; (c) you look like a generous person who would like to make a donation to the police welfare fund; or (d) you are driving an expensive car which means you can afford to make a donation to the police welfare fund.

Q: Does my car require a roadworthy certificate before I can drive it in Malaysia?

A: No, roadworthy certificates are not required in Malaysia. However there are certain other statutory requirements that must be fulfilled before your car can be driven in Malaysia. Firstly, you must ensure that your windscreen is at least 50% obscured with English football club decals, golf club membership stickers or condo parking permits. Secondly, you must place a tissue box (preferably in a white lace cover) on the back shelf of your car under the rear window. Thirdly, you must hang as many CDs or plastic ornaments from your rear vision mirror as it will support. Finally, you must place a Garfield doll with suction caps on one of your windows. Your car will then be ready to drive on Malaysian roads.

Q: What does a single yellow line along the edge of a road mean?

A: This means parking is permitted.

Q: What does a double yellow line along the edge of a road mean?

A: This means double parking is permitted.

Q: What does a yellow box with a diagonal grid of yellow lines painted on the road at a junction mean?

A: Contrary to the understanding of some local drivers, this does not mean that diagonal parking is permitted. It indicates a junction that is grid-locked at peak hours.

Q: Can I use my mobile phone whilst driving in Malaysia?

A: No problem at all, but it should be noted that if you wish to use the rear-vision mirror to put on your lipstick (women only please) or trim your eyebrows at the same time as you are using a mobile phone in the other hand, you should ensure that you keep an elbow free to steer the car. Alternatively, you may place a toddler on your lap and have the child steer the car whilst you are carrying out these other essential driving tasks.

Q: Is it necessary to use indicator lights in Malaysia?

A: These blinking orange lights are commonly used by newly arrived expatriate drivers to indicate they are about to change lanes. This provides a useful signal to local drivers to close up any gaps to prevent the expatriate driver from changing lanes. Therefore it is recommended that expatriate drivers adopt the local practice of avoiding all use of indicator lights. However, it is sometimes useful to turn on your left hand indicator if you want to merge right, because this confuses other drivers enabling you to take advantage of an unprotected gap in the traffic.

Q: Why do some local drivers turn on their left hand indicator and then turn right, or turn on their right hand indicator and then turn left?

A: This is one of the unsolved mysteries of driving in Malaysia.

After an extended and reluctant hiatus, Radio Free Bliss is back on the air. This time, I interviewed dramaturg, poet, playwright, author and critic, JoSelle Vanderhooft. JoSelle had so much interesting stuff to say that it was tough getting it under my 50-minute cut-off. I hope she, and any listeners, don’t find it too choppy as a result. The interviewing schedule is full for 2008, so I hope you’re keeping up-to-date. I have heaps of wonderful authors that I’ve yet to interview.

And it’s that time of the week again. We’re up to Chapter Fourteen of War Games.

Cheloi and Garza finally find the time to snatch some stolen passion, but it only extends the ache rather than assuaging it. And there’s the upcoming visit of a member of the dreaded Central Control to also look forward to. Will Cheloi be able to keep all the strands of her machinations clear in her head, or will they begin to unravel?

FAVOURITE QUOTES

Koul liked his authority too much to appreciate that it was sometimes more beneficial to use less of it. It was the difference between being a leader and being a dictator.

She could never be sure whether Eys would have ever caught her if she stumbled–that was part of the dizzying excitement of being around her–but she knew, without a doubt, that Garza would. Garza would be there for every trip, every fall, ever vigilant and supportive. What would it take, she thought, to call such a woman her champion?

“Leave the door unlocked when you leave,” she said.
“And what are you going to do?” Garza whispered.
Cheloi smiled tightly, the shutters that walled off her feelings from the rest of her now back and well and truly in place. She headed for the bureau and picked up the bottle and one of the glasses.
“I think I’ll get drunk.”

While we were at the Mid-Valley Mall in KL, we saw a martial arts demonstration, somehow incongruously intertwined with an electronics exhibition. That is, one of those open spaces in a shopping mall was done over to highlight a company’s line of products in mobile phones, video-recorders and small appliances and, amid all this glass, microcircuitry and glass (and did I mention the glass?), a tae kwon do group did a demonstration. Okay, so here’s my take on this for any future martial arts instructors thinking of grabbing a few bucks/a bit of publicity by doing the same thing.

1. Although nothing happened in this instance, take it from me (and every other mother in the world) that (a) well-behaved children jumping around and (b) cases of expensive electronic gear, do not mix.
2. If you’re the instructor, work out yourself. There’s nothing that dents the credibility of a dojo more than having an overweight instructor who puffs and wheezes after completing two boring-ass defensive movements against (yawn) an attacker with a pretend knife. (Extra bonus hint: no right-minded, half-competent knife attacker EVAH attacks overhand. That’s only for movies … and, er, martial arts demonstrations.)
3. When you get your students to break planks of wood, it’s good that you make the scoring on the back of the plank as invisible as possible. But try to also make the little markers — telling the assistants which way to rotate the plank — a little less obvious as well, m’kay?
4. Try to be innovative by coming up with something a little different. Like setting up a more realistic street setting for a demonstration, or another way to perform a form/kata. It means you have to think a little, but it will pay off.

I’m not a fan of the Korean or Japanese martial arts (not until the advanced stages, when all arts blur together), so I’ll keep the rest of my comments to myself … and to a relaxing husband over a scotch, as we talk over our various martial arts experiences and watch the koi in our pond snuffle around the lotuses and not get any. Mwahahahaha.

POSTSCRIPT: I meant to blog on Friday but … well, here was the sitch. In our storeroom — at the very back, do a u-turn and, yep, right there under the stairs just where the bottom of the stairs meets the floor — was a metal pail, half-full of acrylic slate sealer. The bottom seal of the pail decided to expire and the sealer leaked out, muchas litres of it, soaking into a dozen large cardboard packing boxes (full of stuff, natch!), tool-bearing plastic crates, brooms, mops, assorted tins, etc. on its way to freedom . The first we found out about it was when a strong smell, and some thick gooey stuff, started leaking out from beneath the door.

Oh. My. God. Needless to say, the rest of Friday and a fair hunk of Saturday was a bust. Just when you think you can take a breather … Oh well, at least we now have the best sealed storeroom floor in the neighbourhood.