Do you know what I really miss, living in south-east Asia? A selfishly large hunk of charred beef, still bloody in the middle, served with oversized cutlery. So, when we visited KL a couple of months ago, I was adamant about my food choices. “I want steak!”

Along one of the many many sides of the frighteningly humongous MidValley Mall in the heart of KL, is the San Francisco Steakhouse, which is quite a swanky place done in dark muted tones, with linen tablecloths and a little buzzer at each table, so you can just press a button for “Waiter” or “Bill” without needing to wave wildly amid other diners. Cool idea, although we had to stop little fingers wanting to press a button every few seconds.

I didn’t spot it till afterwards (’cos it was hidden by a promotional flyer), but the set menu for around RM$38++ was the best deal, which includes entree, main, dessert and tea/coffee. In the end, I opted for the run-of-the-mill fillet steak (for around RM$38++), cooked blue. It was a measure of the fact that the wait staff are experienced that they didn’t even bat an eyelid at my preference. (I’ve been in restaurants where the staff have actually gathered around to watch me eat my steak, unconvinced that I really enjoy a slab of meat that’s crispy brown on the outside and dripping red in.)

The service was efficient but cool. Things were done quickly enough, but I always got the impression that these people had better things to do than serve us. Which was a shame, because the kids were on their best behaviour, and I was in the mood to relax. I ordered my steak with garlic sauce.

The good: When the steaks arrived, they were perfectly cooked. The servings are large. The menu caters for varied tastes. The ambience is very up-market for what turned out to be a reasonably-sized bill (about RM$160 in total) for a slightly-hungry family of four.

The bad: The fragments of garlic drizzled on my fried tomato accompaniment were burnt. Do you know how bitter garlic gets when it’s burnt? Do you know how long it takes to wheedle little pieces of sticky, burnt garlic from in between molars? Meanwhile, the sauce overpowered the taste of the steak … but there’s a reason for that.

The ugly: Okay, here’s the sitch. The cheaper steaks at the SF Steakhouse are pre-tenderised. I’m 99% sure of it. How? Because I could mash a piece of steak against the back of my teeth with my tongue and the fibres would dissolve. Real untenderised meat doesn’t do that; doesn’t turn to porridge the moment you exert some kind of pressure on it. And the sauce is overpowering because the steak has no taste. After the “porridge” experiment, I scraped all the sauce off the meat and noticed a telltale streak of sinew cutting through it, a sure sign of topside. And topside doesn’t have that much taste. So, the restaurant “adds” taste through the use of strongly-flavoured sauces, like garlic and peppercorn.

J complained that I was spoiling an otherwise delightful dinner by being so analytical, but steak is something I take very seriously. I don’t have it very often (maybe only 3-4 times a year), but I love me some hunks of charred and bleeding cow muscle and — because it’s such a treat — I’m very particular about how it’s handled. Maybe the Wagyu steaks (at RM$65++ a pop) were done properly, but be warned if you ever order the more ordinary fillet steaks at the San Francisco Steakhouse. If you’re a true steak afficiando, you could be in trouble.