[Cross-posted from Sugar.]

I was sick on the weekend. An horrible, excruciating-headache, about-to-throw-up, sick … but there was a good side to it. I thought up a sure-fire money-making exercise. Bear with me while I explain.

What kind of book sells the most in the United States? Uh, besides romance? I mean, in the non-fiction area? Yes! It’s diet books. And after nanosecond after nanosecond of perusing (or trying to recall) the kind of diet books I’ve leafed through/heard about/ignored in various bookstores, these are the essential characteristics I’ve discovered about them:

1) They have a catchy name that gives you instant social cachet.
2) Sooner or later, they’ll cost you money. Or friends. Or both.
3) They’ll have you vacillating between the highs of euphoria and the nadir of depression.
4) You’ll be obsessed by them, consumed by a love-hate relationship that will hold you in thrall for years.
5) Even after you’ve moved on, you’ll always have regrets about what you did/didn’t do.

Well, I was lying there under an equatorial sun (no air-conditioning in our bedroom … we’re trying to be green … I believe the word for “idiot” in Malay is bodoh), and it suddenly came to me: The Viral Diet! “Sorry, dah-ling, can’t talk, I’m on the Viral Diet.”

Sounds cool, doesn’t it? But, of course, the name’s only the beginning of the thing. The foundation of the Viral Diet, what makes it so unique and different (and obviously better) than all the other diets out there, is that … it’s not based on food! Can you believe that? A diet book that’s not focused on food. That should be good for a US$1 million advance from Harper Collins right there and then. Instead, it’s based on … children. Specifically, young, just-school-age children.

Because I’ve noticed something. The moment you’re a parent of a young child, you catch every single bad-ass virus and bacteria out there. Doesn’t matter if the incubation period only occurs in the humid depths between a hippo’s toes, if your kid has started school in the past two to three years, you’ll catch it. And while the little petals usually bounce back from their esoteric illnesses with a speed that makes you grit your teeth, you are left at death’s door for days, crying wanly for help, an end to your misery, and the promise that you’ll cut down to only one doughnut a day if only someone takes away the unceasing pounding in your head and the intimate relationship you’re currently having with your toilet bowl.

But, you see, while you’re sick, you’re doing two things that will help shed the weight. One, you’re sleeping. (Adequate sleep helps you shed the kilograms. Don’t believe me? Go do some searching. I’m actually right on this one.) And two, you’re not eating. Interestingly enough, scientists have also found a connection between eating and weight gain. Who knew?

The beauty of the kids bit is that it’s continual. When you have young, school-age children, you’re always falling sick. Think of the weight-loss potential. The only bit I haven’t figured out is what to do when the kids get to the age when they have good immunity, and you’re just not getting that high “sick day” index any more. Still, that gives you about three years of steady weight-loss that you can use to research what exercise you can do, whether you’re reducing stress in your life, and whether you’re getting adequate sleep.

So, as the inventor of the Viral Diet, my advice to you is to: (a) get kids, preferably already four or five years old, (b) send ‘em along to every camp, playgroup, school activity, social gathering of children, you can think of, and (c) greet them with warm hugs and lots of cuddles when they get home and don’t shower for a day afterwards.

No, no need to thank me. Just knowing I’m doing my bit for humanity is reward enough.