The delightfully monikered Leo Apotheker, co-CEO of SAP, has come out with all guns a’blazing during a recent “conversation” with bloggers about the company. (For the full article, go to this ZDNet blog.)

In response to some questions about the often tense relationship between SAP (the vendor), the SI (System Integrator, or consultants) and the goat (er, customer), Apotheker (did he change his name to this, because it’s absolutely wonderful. I might have a character called Apotheker in one of my stories) pulled no punches about how SAP wants to stop being blamed for failed implementations:

I don’t give a shit if it’s Accenture or IBM … I find it shocking people are walking around talking to customers and have no experience on [SAP]. [Consultants] get hired of people [a sic, but I'm not quite sure where to put it! --ed] and have no clue.

Okay. I really feel for Leo (do you think his name came from apothecary? Must do. How intriguing), I do. System Integrators are the bane of any vendor’s existence. They charge obscene amounts of money, far in excess of the base software, in order to essentially create and then mismanage the jigsaw pieces of putting a working system together to the goat’s customer’s satisfaction. If things go belly-up (more times than not), the product (whether SAP or its major rival, Oracle, SAS, or Cisco, Alcatel, XXXtech, or somesuch) get blamed, instead of the barely-trained consultants. It’s a dreadful situation and, considering both J and I have been in those situations more times than we’d like to admit, I sympathise completely.

However, Leo ole pal (maybe it was his mother’s name and it was just so awesome that he had to adopt it for himself?), perhaps going head to head with some of the most political, money-grubbing, loathsome, political, mercenary, blame-shifting, political, scope-creeping, PowerPoint-heavy, political, socially-networked, political (are you getting the picture yet?) bastards in the industry of IT is, um, not the best way to go about things. Especially when you add the equivalent of a barrel full of unstable plutonium to the mix:

If we believe [a project] takes 500 days and another partner [read, consultant company with the abovementioned characteristics --ed] says it’s 5,000 days I’ll do it for 500 and a fixed fee.

I snorted a very nice vanilla latte out of my nose when I read that one, and — hours later — I can still barely hold back the mirth. With a dick that big, Leo’s (and it’s such a rhythmic name isn’t it? Just flows off the tongue in four, nicely-constructed syllables … a-poth-e-ker. Lovely, just lovely) wife must be well satisfied but, as far as clear business analysis is concerned, he’s still thinking with the smaller head, if you get my meaning.

Leo (if I was your daughter, I’d keep the name, just for the techno-mellifluous sound of it. Just saying), I may only be a burnt out IT manager of impeccable pedigree and dubious career judgement but, if I may….

The SI companies are a necessary evil in the industry and you do NOT add to your bottom line by threatening them with being cut off from the goat gravy train. That only makes them angry. And you wouldn’t like them when they’re angry. Putting aside the number of SAP implementations that you would need to support, and that pesky but unfortunately legally-binding wording in the contracts, how exactly would you kick out an Accenture or IBM and take over?

A much better strategy, Leo (alternatively, you could adopt me and I would be happy to change my name. Just saying), would have been to keep your mouth shut, do what that loathsome creature Fiorina (just because she was the spawn of Satan didn’t mean she didn’t have one or two good ideas) was planning, buy a promising consultancy firm and then ramp it up as a “SAP specialist” SI partner yourself. You could have used all the approved buzz-phrases such as “reaching out to the customer”, “deep experience in implementations”, “unique understanding of customer needs”, “partnerships born of respect and technical expertise”, “unparalleled return on investment”, etc. etc. and, in the end, beaten the consultants at their own game.

Instead, all you’ve done with your supposed testy and hard-hitting remarks is put the shysters on notice, with the possible consequence of funnelling more revenue into your competitors’ pockets. You’ll be off that PowerPoint “Best Fit Vendors” presentation slide faster than a Hewlett-Packard representative booted out of a Polish government livestock management meeting (that sound you heard, HP, was more than USD50million going down the gurgler due to your own bungling). And with SAP’s well-entrenched reputation as bloated, slow and damned expensive, off that slide, Leo (votre nom c’est très magnifique, mon bonbon au chocolat blanc … he also speaks French, you see, and I’m writing to impress), is not where you want to be.

STOCK RECOMMENDATION ON SAP: Sell. Once you’ve done that, sit back, get some popcorn and enjoy the show.

POSTSCRIPT: Leo may just end up being the gift that keeps on giving for 2009. I went to his official bio on the SAP site and read the following pearl (and this is in the official company bio, mind):

However, his initial attempts at programming soon helped him identify his true talent and strengths: working with customers rather than in development.

ROFL! This is another way of saying: “His team leader/project manager sacked him immediately because he was utterly, technically and, in every way, useless at stringing two bits of code together.” Maybe his “attempts at programming” failed because the dude only holds a degree in International Relations & Economics. Wonder if anyone ever pointed that out to him? “Er, Leo — love your name by the way, very memorable — maybe you should actually learn about programming first before trying to do some? Just saying.” Priceless.