Tips to Alice Hoffman

Apropos something completely different, I was reading The Register’s instructions on how to write a “Flame of the Week”. And it occurred to me that Hoffman (who? go here and here for a good summation of the rumble) was probably looking for this exact kind of advice while she was imagining Roberta Silman roasting in the highly energetic flames of the underworld. How well did she do, considering she was, presumably, untutored in the Ways of The Flame?

According to El Reg, there are a number of important, interconnected criteria to keep in mind when crafting a classic Flame:

* Leave your reason at the door. I think Hoffman safely did that by accusing reviewer Silman of being a nobody and generally slagging off the Boston Globe and Boston itself. Tick.

* Don’t make it too long. Well, Hoffman did twitter her angst, so that’s a tick, but she released 27 twitters, so I’m not sure how to judge it on the Longitudinal Twitter Brevity Scale. I’ll just be charitable and say, tick.

* Pick a story to rant about but for God’s sake don’t read any more than one paragraph. Well, considering Silman’s review of Hoffman’s book contained spoilers (which Hoffman picked up on), it appears that Hoffman unfortunately read the entire review. Cross.

* Tie in your hatreds/prejudices. Yes, I think the swipe at Boston was a particularly toothsome example of this. Tick.

* For God’s sake, don’t start using correct grammar. My cursory reading of Hoffman’s tweets didn’t turn up any significant grammar or punctuation errors. Mind you, those of us using UK English have different spellings and punctuation mores than those of you using US English, so it could be that I really did miss a major faux pas and didn’t know it. But, considering that Hoffman is also a well-established and successful writer (I can only dream of being slagged by the Boston Globe), I think I’ll give her a cross here.

* Be deeply and personally abusive to the person you’re writing to. Oh, I think she scored on that one, didn’t she people? Huge tick.

* Don’t use too many swear words. Ah, that would be where I’d fall down if I were ever to craft a classic Flame. Hoffman resisted the temptation. Good for her! Tick.

* Do not re-read your flame. I’ll err on the side of charity here and give Hoffman a tick.

* Celebrate a successful flame by killing something. Now this is where I think The Register has gone completely off the deep end. How are we supposed to know whether Teh Flamer has extinguished the life of even a small biological specimen? We don’t. Suggest we nix this as a criterion for this exercise.

Final score? 6/8. Good on you, Alice. And people say nobody learns anything in this modern world. For those of you not as naturally skilled as Alice Hoffman, please direct your browsers to the El Reg page that tells you how to construct a meaningful Flame, complete with explanatory notes. Marvellous stuff. The bar is set high, people. I’ll be a lot more judgemental from now on.