I’ve won a literature prize!

Well, not yet obviously. And, obviously also, it’s the Nobel Prize for Literature. Can I tell you how incredibly proud and humbled I’m going to be? It’s not for any of my writing so far, you see. I mean, while it’s okay and seems to get good enough ratings on Fictionwise, writing mostly science-fiction romance really isn’t in the same boat as, say, “Nadirs” or “The Clown“.

However, you have to admit that the potential is there. For a start, I’m not American. When it comes to the Nobel Literature Prize, it helps if you have as little contact with North America as possible. So, just by sheer dint of being born in the right place at the right time (Asia, I love you!), I’m already in the running. I like the Nobel prizes for that. If you hold the right position at a particular time, kablooey! You’re in!

Secondly, I can string sentences together. Okay, so I haven’t written the next “Billards at Half-Past Nine“, but I could. And, once I win the Nobel Prize, I’ll consider it — not so much as an award for my published accomplishments but — as a one-million dollar payment to motivate me to do better. After all, isn’t that what everyone wants? Not recognition for skills, experience and accomplishments, but money up front?

Thirdly, even if I don’t have the frighteningly simple and elegant style of an Heinrich Böll, the truth of the matter is, I really don’t have to string sentences together in any coherent order anyway. (Whew! That’s a load off my mind.) I mean, if politicians can win the Nobel Peace Prize after murdering hundreds of thousands of people, and economists can win the Economics Prize for coming to the conclusion that production favours — get this — economies of scale (duh!), then what’s standing in my way? Actual talent? Oh, I don’t think so.

In fact, I have an even better idea. Judging by how the Nobel panel currently make their decisions, I think that Every Single Participant in NaNoWriMo should get the Nobel Prize for Literature. (I know, I know, it’s the leftist in me that seeks to spread the good cheer.) There are literally thousands of untapped stories ready to burst out of their human shells during NaNoWriMo month, and who knows how many future classics will emerge from the 2009 entries? So, just to motivate those writers to do better, I think the Nobel panel should put its bank balance where its collective mind obviously is and award for sheer potential.

Come on, people. It’s not like we didn’t see this coming. After all, isn’t everyone more interested in spin than substance?