The kids and I were enjoying nasi ayam (chicken rice) at the local Medan Selera (food court) recently and I chanced upon some local TV channels while we were eating. And this … this thing appeared. There were sanitary napkins in the shape of flowers receiving blue drops of rain from the sky to a happy tune. While women smiled at me from the TV screen, I was told to “Have a Happy Period”.

WHAT???!!

First, the facts. It appears:

the campaign “Have a Happy Period” was created in 2005 by Ms Denise Fedowa who was a VP at Leo Burnett Chicago … According to a report in Adweek, research shows that consumers are telling the marketers to be transparent and frank in their communications.

Now look, you can be “transparent and frank” in your communications, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t be incredibly and utterly stupid as well.

Have a Happy Period??!!

Are they serious? While there are hormones coursing through my body telling me that decapitating yonder Perodua driver would be no great loss to the species? While there is something not usually meant to be there between my legs, rubbing against the tender flesh of my inner thighs while I walk? While — and I hate to be explicit here, but think of this and “happy” and tell me it works for you — I can feel fluids from my body being expelled on a schedule that’s sporadic and panic-inducing? While my Fallopian tubes mourn the loss of a potential life by sending aches through my bloated abdomen? While all this is going on, for DAYS at a stretch, you are telling me to Have a Happy Period, Whisper? Oh, and just for the record, it isn’t blue and it doesn’t have the consistency of spring water, m’kay?

Sure, why don’t we also have ads about a thick armoured invertebrate burrowing through a passage and pressing a button at the end and tell men to Have a Happy Prostate Exam?? Or little elves in wee little harvesters, running down fields of mangrove roots telling men to Have a Happy Shave??

This is beyond frankness into complete patronising bullshit. And what if we don’t have a Happy Period, Whisper? Then I suppose it’s All Our Fault, isn’t it? Why don’t men get patronised like this in commercials? This isn’t far above the ole Christmas gift suggestion of buying a new vacuum cleaner for The Little Woman. I had thought we’d moved beyond this, but evidently not. And, just to add insult to injury, we have a woman to thank for this priceless piece of inanity. Thanks Whisper, I’ll know what brand NOT to touch next time I’m at the supermarket.

COMPETITION UPDATE: Both winners finally got back to me! Congratulations Christy M and Ted C! Your packages will be out in the mail this week.