Because keeping a dog in your house or allowing them to touch you is haram (essentially, forbidden) in Islam, Malays don’t have dogs as pets. The potential for slipping into sin is too great. But they do keep cats. Malays love cats. Malays love cats so much they refuse to desex them. They want the whole world to be full of cats. They let their precious Persians wander around freely, getting knocked up by every available tom in the neighbourhood, but that’s understandable because it’s God’s will, right? Who are we to interfere with Nature?

The female cat will bear perhaps four litters a year, bringing all those adorable kittens into the world. The owner might try to give as many away to friends as possible, but how can she do that with all of them? Ah, it’s God’s will. Of course, the mother cat will suffer from exhaustion from the constant breeding. And uncontrolled breeding can lead to a host of serious diseases, including feline AIDS and several cancers but, if that happens, it’s just God’s will, isn’t it? But how the Malays love cats, have I told you that?

Isn’t it strange how God’s will is so often the cheapest way out of a problem? And even if a cat dies, well with all those by-blows getting traded around like sampler containers of moisturiser, another adorable one will come by soon. It’s all up to God’s will and practising any kind of responsible pet ownership is both an affront to God and to Nature…not to mention costing some money, know what I mean? Bugger that.

But, in the meantime, everyone should know that I’m bowing to God’s will by allowing my un-neutered cats to wander freely, spreading their seed as God intended. I’m so spiritual and religious I could almost canonise myself.

Wondering what prompted me to write this little series on pets? Tune in Friday.

ASIDE: You’re probably wondering why keeping dogs inside the house is haram? It’s because it stops the recording angels from entering. If a recording angel (as opposed to an angel of mercy or an angel of death) enters the house, the dog will alert the members of the family and it seems that rec. angels are a bit like the CIA in that regard … they don’t like other people knowing what they’re doing. So, if a rec. angel sees that a house contains a dog, he will tend not to enter and thereby announce their presence. Why is this such a big deal? Well, it appears that recording angels are the clerks of God and take down all the deeds of the family members for later judgement. As with Roman Catholicism from what I can remember, Muslim angels are all male too. Not a female amongst them. Natch.