In my last post, I mentioned several reviews that the Cougars & Cubs anthology had racked up. And Barbara Ann Wright (whose blog I now follow religiously after a recommendation from Maria Zannini) had this to ask:

When you were first published, did you wait for reviews with bated breath?

Before I continue, I’m reminded of a cat that ate cheese and waited at the mousehole with baited breath. Ha ha. That’s one of my favourite (clean) jokes.

Anyway, moving right along. When I read Barbara’s comment, I realised that a lot of people tell you how to receive reviews (with grace, always with grace, even if you think the reviewer has the wit and common sense of a goldfish suffering from severe concussion because, y’know, even The Stupid talk to other people), but not about getting them.

The path to receiving reviews goes something like this:

Stage 1. Wow, I have a book out next month. There should be heaps of advance reviews around. Let’s see if I can add more review sites to my reader. I can’t wait! I’m sure everyone will love it!

Stage 2. Well, my book is out next week. And I haven’t received any reviews yet. But I suppose there are HEAPS of books being released, so I shouldn’t be too impatient. Mary told me about some more review sites! There are so many of them! I’ll add them to my reader. I’m sure one of them will review my book.

Stage 3. Release Day! Wouldn’t it be great if I had a review right now? A great review to match up with my release? I’d blog about it, a really long one, just so people know that my book’s great. I can just feel the success surging through my arteries.

* Arteries if you write SF/murder mysteries because you’re a geek and know blood is more likely to surge through arteries. Arterial pressure is greater than venous pressure. Veins if you don’t write SF/murder mysteries because that’s the prevailing wisdom.

Stage 4. Okay, it’s a week after Release Day. Pity nobody reviewed my book on Release Day. That would’ve been awesome. But a week after is good too. Think I might just go check those sites again. I know I set up Google Alerts for any mention of my book, but how often does Google update its alerts, right? All those web spiders must get tired every now and then. I think I’ll go check the sites, one by one. You never know.

Stage 5. A month!!! A whole month!!! And still no reviews????? I mean, what’s up with these people????

Stage 6. After all, aren’t they, y’know, REVIEW SITES??? And shouldn’t review sites, y’know, REVIEW BOOKS???? And it’s been two months already and STILL not one single review! What, did all the reviewers suddenly catch ebola and die en masse or something? Jesus frickin’ Christ!!!

Stage 7. Okay, I thought I was a really patient person. Really. I mean, at the game final last year, I waited in line for one of Joe’s famous hot dogs for frickin’ two hours! In the frickin’ sun! For a frickin’ hot dog! If that doesn’t say I’m a patient person, I don’t know what does. (And the hot dog wasn’t all that good.) So it’s not as though I’m an impatient bitch! But it’s been THREE MONTHS and I STILL don’t have a review. I mean, WTF???!!!

Stage 8. The universe hates me. That’s what it is. It isn’t my book, it isn’t the review sites, it’s me. I’ve got “bad karma” stamped all over my body and somehow every reviewer in the universe can see it, and they hate it, and they hate me, and so they’re not reviewing my book. Now, nobody is going to find out how great my book is.

Stage 9. Or maybe it isn’t great, which is why nobody will review it! In fact, maybe it’s soooooo bad, people would rather poke their eyes out with blackened bamboo skewers than review my book. Oh God, I’m trash!

Stage 10. What’s this in my Inbox? A Google Alert? A….review? Do I even want to click the link? Oh God, why am I even alive?

Here’s the thing. You know how the best way to handle queries is just to send them out, forget about them and work on your next novel? Well, it works the same way with reviews. Just write the book, publish it and work on the next one. Forget about the reviews. You’ll get them soon enough. The book isn’t yours any more once it’s published. It belongs to the readers. And they’ll let you know one way or another what they think. Maybe keep your toes crossed as you write, in remembrance of The One Currently Published. And best of luck.