Back when I was a teenager, child of migrants, sitting at the dinner table in Australia, my parents used to express their opinions on the ways of the world. One of their favourite soapboxes was how depraved Westerners were.

“We never had homosexuals in Malaysia before the British came.” How they’d know that, both being born well after the Portuguese, then Dutch, then British invaded, is beyond me.

“Before Asia started reporting Western news, there was no such thing as child abuse.“The same lack of coherent reasoning also seems to be coming into play with NO accusations in Asia of child sex abuse by Catholic priests. Yeah, right!

“Now, everybody accepts swearing, nudity and crime. It’s God’s punishment against the Western world.” Which is ironic, because I’m sure the majority of white Australians thought that the Asian immigration trickle (of which we were a part) was God’s punishment against them. LOL

In addition to these pearls of wisdom was one bandied about at every Asian gathering you could think of. Asian associations, Asian business organisations, Asian social gatherings, it didn’t matter which. And the pearl of pearls was this: We Have Asian Values. No other culture or nation can storm our pure white shiny citadel because it is constructed from Asian Values and not those sloppy, undisciplined, depraved mores that pass for free thought in the (mostly Western) world. I’m sure that if you translate the speeches of the Chinese politburo, or read pronouncements from the Indian parliament on foreign affairs, you’ll come across a variation of this steaming pile of crap.

Which is why it delights me no end to present to you the Durex Sexual Well-being Global Survey 2011.

Oh Malaysia. Wonderful Malaysia. The country that states quite categorically that one of the pillars of its constitution is a belief in God. It doesn’t matter which god, as long as it’s someone, you know, deity-like. Needless to say, a non-belief in God is feckless, immoral and leads to the kind of depravity that used to be known in the world as Western democracy. (Missing it yet?) And it’s this pillar of nationhood that’s used to make your average citizen appear pious. So damn pious, in fact, that Malaysians (you know, those god-fearing folk) are ranked THIRD IN THE WORLD for infidelity.

Isn’t that a hoot? But that’s not the end for Asian Values because The. Most. Unfaithful. Nation. On. The. Planet. is…Thailand. Followed by South Korea. And Malaysian women are more unfaithful (39%) than Malaysian men (33%). Yes folks, those “Asian Values” appear to be at the global vanguard of sexual dishonesty. Give yourselves a pat on the back.

You can’t believe the absolute storm of laughter that echoed through our house when I read the article in an edition of Malaysia’s The Star newspaper. But Malaysians don’t disappoint, with claims that infidelity “is in the genes” (and thus does not interfere with one’s duty to God) and — my favourite — infidelity is due to “more opportunities [in modern society] for men and women to socialise”. That’s right. Just send women to the kitchen, make sure they never come out of the back of the house, and your infidelity problem is solved!

This brings up a very interesting Jordan-based Islamic organisation that has been banned in Malaysia but is around (and, purportedly, growing) in Singapore. I’m referring to OWC, or the Obedient Wives’ Club. (The reason it’s banned in Malaysia is not due to its gender-oriented teachings but to the fact that the founder of this branch of Islam — of which the OWC is a part — is considered a heretic.) To be completely dispassionate, these people are utter lunatics. What else can you say about a group that believes that a man can manifest in several geographic locations simultaneously in order to sexually satisfy multiple wives? Or that wives should serve their husbands “better than…first-class prostitute[s]” in order to stem male infidelity. No no, I can’t do justice to the words of OWC’s Vice-President Dr. Rohaya Mohamed, who said, in clarification of that comment, that

“I believe we have been misunderstood and misinterpreted. When we said that husbands should treat their wives like first-class prostitutes, we were not putting wives on the same level with prostitutes. We are talking about first-class elite types, not street hooker types. [Does that clarify things sufficiently for you? -Kaz. All bolded words are my emphasis] Our wives provide men with top-level service.“

Bwahahahahaha! There’s nothing I can say that can ridicule the organisation better than their own words. The OWC also blames wives for domestic violence (“When a husband comes home and receives good treatment from the wife, they become better and more loving husbands. Why would they treat their spouse badly if they are treated well?”), and wants everyone to know that: “The modern wife seems to forget that it is her responsibility to keep the husband satisfied.”

And if you’re thinking it can’t get any worse than holding (theoretical) sex lessons for OWC members (pictures, illustrations or even workshops on the topic are haram (forbidden)), may I add that they also believe:

If the reason [a woman got married in the first place] is love, then the woman is more likely to cheat on her husband. The first and foremost reason for getting married should be the fear of God.

Which reminds me of a joke. What comes between fear and sex? Funf! LOL

I read recently on Twitter (from a woman, of course) that it is bad form if someone who is a strong feminist criticises women with dissenting views. Well, I’m a strong feminist. And, believe me, if there is a group of dissenting women who deserve to be criticised more than the OWC, I’ve yet to hear of it. Their kind of simplistic reading of complex human relationships, proselytized by future victims of domestic abuse themselves, sets the whole area of gender relations back a few centuries rather than contributing anything of value, and I shall be criticising like hell whenever and wherever they, and their ilk, are mentioned in my presence.

ADDITIONAL: The OWC has published its own Sex Guide (unfortunately only available for sale to OWC members).

For an extra 50 points, its title is: “Islamic Sex, Fighting Against Jews To Return Islamic Sex To The World“(Seks Islam; Perangi Yahudi Untuk Kembalikan Seks Islam Kepada Dunia), with a 1000 point bonus for (a) allegedly not pointing out how “Islamic sex” is different from “Jewish sex” AND, (b) not outlining how “Islamic sex” shall be returned “to the world” when only OWC stalwarts are allowed to buy the tract in the first place. But no, by all means, let’s not criticise them.