If you follow Maria Zannini’s blog, you’d know that she has two Rottweilers, Tank and Iko. And even though I’m a little so-so about Rotties, I have to admit that Iko is a fine-looking young man. Another friend of mine, I just found out this week, has a Bichon, that white fluffy iconic breed that makes me think of mop-heads and cleaning floors whenever I see one.

Sausage is … well, not like either of those. She’s manic and cute in a truly ugly way. Think I’m joking? Cop this:

I took the photo at Christmas and it’s one of my favourites but you can’t tell me she doesn’t look like she’s just walked off the set of The Spiderwick Chronicles?

With that big nose of hers, she manages to poke herself into every situation, often getting scratches from Fluff and Squeak as a result. Does that faze her? Not a bit. Give her ten minutes and she’s back to wagging her tail and barking in front of a disdainful feline, just daring one to give her a good ole chase. Whether it’s a cat chasing Sausage or Sausage chasing a cat makes no difference to her; the game’s the thing.

Watching her interact with us, the cats, the fish(*) and other people, I can’t believe how bull terriers got the terrible reputation they did. Oh, they’re physically strong dogs, as well as being headstrong, but they’re so forgiving that you just wish they’d be a tad more cynical and live up to their “so ugly it’s cute” appearance, especially around two feline heavyweights. Here she is on one of the living room chairs, making herself comfortable:

There are a lot of dog breeds out there that are much better looking than Sausage. They’re more obedient, they’re cuter, they’re smarter, they “talk” more, and they don’t have manic half-hours. But the truth of the matter is, bull terriers have wormed their way into my affections and for me — and, increasing I think, for the rest of the family — there will never be another dog breed that usurps that place in our hearts.

(*) Please don’t make the mistake of feeling sorry for our koi, captive in our courtyard pool, tantalisingly close to snoozing cats and a curious dog. It didn’t take long for the fish to figure out our four-legged pet vulnerabilities. They splash. It happens every time either Fluff, Squeak or Sausage annoy them in some way by getting too close or trying to bob for fish food during feeding time. They’ll dive, flexing their tail at the same time, sending a fountain of water towards the miscreant. It’s 100% effective. Anyone who keeps fish will tell you they are far from the brainless, purely instinct-driven animals we were taught about in school. They recognise people, can come when called and, as I’ve just related, are smart enough to take care of themselves, thank you very much. Still doesn’t stop me from enjoying a nice meal of grilled fish though. I just hurry the supermarket bag past the big sliding doors into the kitchen so our own finned friends can’t see what I’m doing.

Then you get people like me. Okay, so I started to put together an Amazon rainforest aquascape, and I filled it with South American species of tetras, angel fish, some corydoras, a couple of algae-eaters and two gorgeous black ghost knife fish I call Patch and Zappy. And, even though they are as far away from the Amazon as you can get, I also stocked three blood parrot cichlids.

Now, if I had read the articles on the internet about the fish, akin to the spawn of Satan, I probably wouldn’t have done it. But we have some parrots in the koi pond outside and they’re very curious and bright animals, always coming up to gently “kiss” me on my legs while I’m doing my semi-regular pond maintenance. They have no problems swimming. They come to the surface of the pond to eat. They are quite happy milling about, around the koi, gourami and school of tiger barbs we have.

Their sociability is what I noticed in pet shops too. The parrots are the ones who’ll come to the front of the tank as you walk past and watch you, gently waving their fins about, genuinely curious about you and what you’re doing. How could I resist?

Here they are, coming to the front of the tank the moment they notice me holding up one of their containers of food.

And here they are keeping an eye on me after I took the container away.

So, in my four-foot tank, I have three lovely parrots and two of them decided to spawn. This began with annoying, yet compulsively watchable, terraforming of the substrate, followed by commandeering an old metal sports water bottle that I had originally placed at the back of the tank for Patch. (She was quite jealous of Zappy’s abode and a couple of fights had broken out, so I was quick to come up with an alternative for her.) However, after one look, the parrot pair decided that this would make an excellent home for their family and poor Patch lost out again. (She and Zappy seem to have come to some amicable agreement, though, because Patch is now happy to stay in her half of the tank, and Zappy is happy to stay in his.)

It’s like having a documentary unfold in my own office. I can just turn my head and observe the mating behaviour of the parrots and can readily attest that they’re extremely protective potential parents. Their “bite” feels more like a metal file vibrating against your skin. It’s startling, doesn’t hurt, but uncomfortable to tolerate for any length of time. I eventually had to use a long stick to shift the bottle to the front of the tank so I could observe their behaviour more closely. Having said that, though, they don’t seem to have the same antipathy to the other fish, beyond a quick run-off. In fact, Patch almost poked her tail into one of the parrot’s eyes yesterday, while she was backing out of somewhere, and the parrot didn’t even react. So, aggressive? Not so much.

They’ve laid eggs in the bottle but have unfortunately eaten most of them as the eggs developed a fungal disease common to this breed of fish. With more attempts at breeding, I’m hoping the success rate goes up.

There’s something joyous and, at the same time, humbling about watching the fish breed. I see it as a way for them to confirm that the environment is healthy, safe and comfortable enough for them to consider bringing up the next generation. Forgive me while I bask in pride while figuring out how to tighten my maintenance regime and maintain quality ….

Oh darn, that didn’t last long. You’ll have to excuse me. Some naughty aquarium resident has pulled up a couple of plants and I need to go reseat them.

What you may not know about me is that I’m a newly enthusiastic aquarist. From thinking that fishes were things that only looked good grilled on my plate, I’m now of the thought that the little critters have their own personalities that can really liven a corner of your home or office. As well as, ahem, looking good grilled on my plate. (I blame J for this change of heart. Just as it took him a little while to learn to eat fish that came with its head, tail and fins still attached, it took me a little longer to regard some fish — black ranchu, especially — as the aquatic equivalent of cuddly teddy bears.)

So, anyway, my new aquarium arrived on Friday evening, which meant the weekend was geared towards setting it up. It’s a 4-footer that looked quite manageable in the pet shop, but expanded to alarming proportions once it arrived at home (three weeks after I ordered it. It was an impatient wait for me). Now, with the exception of J helping me with placement, and some assistance with filling, he had absolutely nothing to do with the tank. Which made Fluffy’s (our 4yo Ragdoll) little liquid ‘present’ on our leather lounge suite early Sunday morning more than a little disconcerting. Fluffy has a perverse — some might say, unhealthy — fixation on J, who he regards as his sole possession. He is also a grumpy little …., prone to little episodes of pique when he thinks he’s being ignored. Considering J took a hands-off approach to my aquarium, appearing only when I needed some advice, Fluffy’s little tantrum was inexplicable. And then, we accidentally locked Squeak (our 3yo Maine Coon) in one of the bedrooms, and there were a couple of little ‘finds’ in the attached bathroom on Sunday morning too. So that was three clean-ups before we could enjoy our new aquarium.

Then, well, maybe I shouldn’t have done it. But J bought me a USB internal card reader some months ago and, while I was tidying up my office, it seemed to be an opportune time to install the card reader. Well, when I booted my machine, KMix told me that it couldn’t find my utterly wonderful, kick-ass Audigy card and attached pre-amp. Waaaaahhhhh! Shut down machine. Unplug mains. Open case. Check card. Looks okay. Plug in mains. Boot. Same problem. Sigh. Shutdown. Unplug card reader. Plug in mains. Boot. Same problem.

“Hey, J, could you use your magic fingers and jiggle things for me?”

Shutdown. Unplug mains. Jiggle, jiggle. Plug in mains. Boot. Audigy detected! But card reader still disconnected. With bated breath, shutdown. Unplug mains. Install card reader while not breathing and not thinking. Plug in mains. Boot. Success! Close case.

So, while I have a lovely new aquarium, the universe still demanded a sacrifice in the guise of misbehaving cats and a computer. Could have been worse.

In case anyone’s wondering, I moved my fish from an acidic environment (pH 6.4) to the new tank, which is completely pH neutral (7.0). I’m using Diana Walstad’s low-tech soil-based approach as a foundation and will report back on progress over the weeks and months to follow. Fish inventory as follows:

7 x Albino Corydoras
2 x Golden algae-eaters
5 x male Honey Gouramis (one of the most beautiful gourami I’ve had. Colour is deep reddish honey and saturated, so I know they’re happy; thoroughly recommended)
1 x Black Ghost knifefish (named “Patch”)

Plant species are confined to Cabomba and Hygrophila spp with a couple of Java ferns, because that’s all I’ve been able to find. I can only dream of Vallisneria, *wort or Sagittaria spp. Where’s Singapore moss when you need it? Suppose I’ll have to keep looking.

Total volume of tank approx. 370 litres. Water still a little hazy but the fish are doing just fine. No stress signs detected at all and appetites are very healthy.