PS Yeah, can you tell I should be writing?

And hot damn if the man wasn’t right! Yes, the “righteous” George Bush — the father of Shrub, the one who described Clinton as “his son”, the “smart one” — was responsible for an unknown, possibly thousands, number of deaths in Iraq when Abrams tanks just ploughed earth straight into the Iraqi trenches. Any soldiers that tried to escape were gunned down by a shooting line formed just behind the tanks, although some recalcitrants did manage to surrender and live. Landscaping efforts were finalised by armoured combat earth-movers.

Don’t believe me? Try here, here and, lest we think this was only a UK write-fest, here, here and — lest I be accused of forsaking “balance” — here.

Okay, so let’s say that the death toll ranged from 44 to 6,000. Does that make a difference? Because it seems to, to some people. “Oh, it was only forty-four people,” they might say, not realising that they’re at the thin edge of a very long and very wide wedge. And, just say it really was forty-four people …. Would you like your husband to be one of that forty-four? Your brother? Your son? Your father?

My basic question is, does a democratic, law-abiding, freedom-loving country do that? Rehearse the movement of tanks fitted with ploughs with the express intention of burying conscripts alive? Of course armies do terrible things in war. But do armies that supposedly stand for “freedom”, “democracy”, “liberty”, and the wish for all people to live with heads held high, etc. etc., do that? Are those fine words standards to be be upheld? Or shields to conveniently hide behind? And, because of these actions, will those words remain bright and burnished, or dull and tarnished? There may be some small short-term gains here (and, in political terms, short-term can mean anything from one minute to thirty years), but there’ll be some long-term comeuppance. Wonder if we’ll be around to see it.

ADDITIONAL: I’ve had this post in Drafts for a little while, but was prompted to dig it up when I happened across an El Reg article (via J) on biomatter-fuelled robots. In its inimitable fashion, the advance is described thus:

News has emerged of a milestone reached on the road towards a potentially world-changing piece of technology. We speak, of course, of US military plans to introduce roving steam-powered robots which would fuel themselves by harvesting everything alive and cramming it into their insatiable blazing furnaces.

Proving that DARPA does indeed have a sense of humour — even if it’s appropriately militarily macabre — the name of this device is EATR (Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot). The fact that it comes from DARPA and the word “Tactical” immediately tips off the alert reader to the fact that EATR is, indeed, a battle robot. A battle robot that runs on burning biomatter. Like apple cores. Or bodies.

Of course, I’m a little more sanguine than most about the latest American plans to use the corpses of humans to fuel their tactical, heavily-armed and -armoured robots in the kinetic-laden battle vectors of the future. This is because pet Pentagon projects have an unerring ability to run over-budget and under-functionality. There’s still the not insubstantial hope that all we’ll end up, will be very expensive trashcans.

Years ago, when I was younger….

One. What?! As opposed to, “years ago, when I was older“?

Two. Sweetie, you’re already young. When you were younger implies toddlerhood. And so it was therefore difficult for me to take a toddler love song seriously. Especially, as I said before, with those out-of-condition Cossacks flinging their hats around in the background.

The lesson from this is that Eurovision is so campy, so over-the-top, that even someone who can’t write songs or sing very well can win it! And that’s the charm of the entire competition. Bosnia & Herzegovina for the 2010 win!

And remember, commenting before the end of the month means you’re in the running to win a copy of A Pirate’s Passion, now available from Total-E-Bound.

Azerbaijan – yay
Ukraine – yay
Croatia – y’know, with all those smoke effects, I hardly noticed there was a song. Maybe the live gig in front of the audience was better.
Lithuania – yep, pretentious, forgettable & emo wows the crowds.
Moldova – full of young men and pastures. Heaps and heaps of pastures.
Estonia – yay
Denmark – can’t even remember them.
Norway – ah, the ultimate cuteness factor. Of course.
Greece – minus the travelogue of the good life in Greece, not sure what they had.
Albania – even an imperfect ABBA is better than none.
Turkey – those damn jeans again. How do they stay on?
Sweden – smug Swedish socialists swing selectors.
Israel – no comment
Portugal – you gotta be kidding me? Antique boring gets the nod?
Malta – oh, now I’m insulted. Malta? In?
Finland – yay (never underestimate the zombie vote)
Bosnia & Herzegovina – Ah yes, the underpants song. Glad they made it.
Romania – Fembots forever! Wonder if the horses will appear on-stage?
Armenia – yay
Iceland – obviously the pity vote is larger than I anticipated.

The ones who got through because they “sponsored” the contest and thus didn’t have to come up anything of worth (and they didn’t) were:

France
Germany
UK
Spain

and the Klingon entry gets in because Russia won last year, or something.

You see how much fun Eurovision is? The final is on Saturday night at 19:00 CET, which equates to 01:00 Sunday, Malaysian Standard. Damn, damn, and damn. I hope YouTube keeps a full repeat. Meanwhile, The Wast & Little Dinosaur are gearing up for a Eurovision Semi-Finals Party tonight, with the PC hooked up to the TV, much sushi and free-flowing Californian red wine. Join us?

Just to recap, to join in all the capers, direct your browsers to Eurovision TV. And may the kitsch be with you!

ISRAEL. Note to Israel — a random English sentence thrown in here and there doesn’t really aid comprehension. Just fyi.

LATVIA.

Kaz: Why have sub-titles? why not sing it in English to begin with?
J: Because using English could spoil the song, although that’s not a consideration with this one. Latvia produces good sprats though.
K: Yeah, Riga Sprats. They rock.

LITHUANIA. Wow, pretentious, forgettable and emo. The European hat-trick.

MALTA. Forget it.

MOLDOVA. You have the name of your country in your song title? Despite that, it’s surprisingly good, although J wonders what all those men do on all those open, grazing pastures that stretch to the horizon.

MONTENEGRO. The dude in sunglasses reminded me of a manager I once had. Hilarious for me. Otherwise, forgettable.

NETHERLANDS. Oh. My. God. Bing and Bong, your next series theme song awaits. And, dudes, if you look that confused in the clip, imagine how we feel.

NORWAY. Oh, there was such sappy cuteness here I almost got diabetes on the spot. Little Dinosaur is now officially in love. Also, I didn’t realise that Norway is a haven for out-of-condition Cossacks.

POLAND. Pa. Thet. Ic.

PORTUGAL. I was being a bit nationalistic about Portugal, considering my heritage ‘n’all and found out that the band used only traditional Portuguese instruments in their song. In this way, they showed how the country bored audiences through the centuries.

ROMANIA. J awards douze points for the shoes alone. Austin Powers’ fembots! And horses! And a Jamiroquai fanboi! Will the excitement never end?

RUSSIA. Wouldn’t have been been out of place in a galactic singing competition … as the Klingon entry. Russia seems to be vying with France for the most smug “what, don’t you understand our language?” vibe.

SERBIA. There’s a stereotype of a black 70s pimp hiding in there somewhere, I swear! Also, I’m reliably informed — in between gales of laughter — that the song title roughly means “small vagina” in Polish.

SLOVAKIA. Forgettable, concussed goldfish mode, but points for an interesting use of a picture frame.

SLOVENIA. Frames? Did someone say frames?

SPAIN. Julio Iglesias grows boobs. Otherwise, naive.

SWEDEN. It’s okay when you can actually hear her voice, but the smugness quotient is alarmingly high. Damn socialists!

SWITZERLAND. I love Switzerland. They’re always awful, but not so bad that you actually remember them from year to year. (Unlike Austria.) For 2009, they’re only two decades out of date. Keep trying, guys. You’ll reach the 21st century soon. Er, you know Nirvana is now passé, don’t you?

TURKEY. Cool, but how do these jeans stay on? J says there’s no soul in this year’s entry. Well, at least the costumes weren’t expensive.

UKRAINE. Love their work! Chocolate grunge! You may wonder why they’re singing about Valentines in May but I award points for Svetlana’s hair alone.

UNITED KINGDOM. Like Austria, who manages to embarrass at almost every Eurovision, the UK manages to bore. Nothing to see here, move along.

So there you have it. A rundown on all the 42 entries. Favourites?

J: In no particular order: Finland, Azerbaijan, Ukraine, Armenia, Bulgaria.
Me: Armenia, followed by Ukraine, Estonia, and Azerbaijan. No clear fifth place.

Why not have a go yourself, by going to the Preview Videos page at Eurovision TV. Break out the popcorn, popcorn-shooters and streamers, and have yourself some fun.

And remember, commenting means you’re in the running to win a copy of A Pirate’s Passion, now available from Total-E-Bound.

Part of the immense fun of Eurovision is, frankly, throwing popcorn at the screen at various acts and both The Wast and Little Dinosaur joined us for a little time (before their night curfew) to check out the Preview Videos, which are all flavours of awesome. Especially the bad ones! There are 42 participants in this year’s competition, which is spread across 3 days, with the finals being held on Sunday. At first, I thought I’d only comment on some of the entries but that’s a bit unfair so I’m going to give you our rundown on all 2009 entries. Yes, lucky you! First 21 today; next 21 tomorrow.

My thanks to J for being able to roughly translate a frightening number of non-English entries. Who knew the Slavic roots were so widespread? Horny little devils.

[And please bear in mind that Eurovision is famous for being kidded, so take everything with a pinch of fun, okay?]

Warning: some nasty language ahead!

ALBANIA. Nice looking place. Channelling ABBA imperfectly.

ANDORRA. Anonymous, girlie pop.

ARMENIA. Oh, outstanding, with a charming video … once it gets started.

AZERBAIJAN. J’s favourite. Azerbaijan does Arnold Vosloo, with a belt buckle that’s pure Wolowitz.

BELARUS. Who says the 70s are dead? Plus, those cuffs could double as rice scoops.

BELGIUM. Forget it.

BOSNIA & HERZEGOVINA. J tells me the lyrics are socially profound. I’m more obsessed with wondering if she’s wearing underpants.

BULGARIA. Medieval hacking meets bittersweet love story. There’s enough material in the clip alone for an LoTR (Lord of the Rings) type trilogy. With horses.

CROATIA. Guess who has Photoshop?

CYPRUS. Firefly? Man, it had better be the series. Sadly, no. Creepy Twilight vibe though. With horses.

CZECH REPUBLIC. The Austria of 2009. Well done!

DENMARK. Forgettable. Oh, and emo.

ESTONIA. Different. Classy. Don’t think she should’ve played the violin though. It was good but interrupted the flow. Loved the background.

FINLAND. Social commentary meets bitumen with a dash of rigor mortis. Full points for the non-blinking eyes, but the angel inclusion needed a barf bag. No horses, though, so that’s a plus.

FRANCE. The country’s aware that Edith Piaf’s dead, right? But I do love the “what, don’t you understand French? Then fuck you!” vibe that consistently runs through France’s Eurovision entries. And they’re surprised they never win.

FYR MACEDONIA. Ah, the 80s. Big hair. Big bass guitar riffs. Vocals with emotion choked in the throat. But hold on …?

GERMANY. Did Merkel pay for this Kiss Kiss USA effort?

GREECE. Pleasant. Forgettable. Cute … but not in profile.

HUNGARY. Right Said Fred, reincarnated into a very uncomfortable-looking future that sounds like a cross between the Bee Gees and Earth, Wind & Fire.

ICELAND. We are so poor now, I can’t even afford a decent song.

IRELAND. Oh lord, I want to forget! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaassssseeeeee!

Come back tomorrow for the rest and J and my picks. Oh, and comment if you want to be in the draw for a copy of A Pirate’s Passion.

Blessings to you and your family! You need to know that the Lord Jesus Christ needs to be thanked for all your blessings. Say this prayer: Lord, thank you for the blessings on me and my family. Bless me, my family, my home, my work and my friends. Because of you, all things are possible. Amen. Please immediately onto 12 people and you will see an immediate sign of God’s blessing. This is not a joke.

And I thought … God believes in chain letters?!

Then using God’s bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, ‘You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, ‘Yes!’ And Woman said, ‘I’ll have one too with chocolate chips’. And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said, ‘Try my fresh green salad’. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said ‘I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them’.

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man’s cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said ‘You want fries with that?’ and Man replied, ‘Yes, and super size ‘em’. And Satan said, ‘It is good.’ And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed ……… and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And then ……….. Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.

Have a good weekend all!